


Tonight

by rafolshoe



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29042127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafolshoe/pseuds/rafolshoe
Summary: Humans are pathetic, Lisa thought bitterly. Slaves of their hearts. If given a chance to redo things, humans still choose the same decision no matter how fucked up the consequences may be. That's what love is, they said. Pathetic.
Relationships: Lalisa Manoban | Lisa/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by FM Static's Tonight. Sorry for the grammar mistakes.

The sudden bell ring has awoken Lisa from her daydream. The students chimed in celebration as the ear-piercing screechings of metal chairs wailed in the room. They shove their notes inside their bags making a beeline to the door without being dismissed yet.

"This will be our last meeting. Happy spring break, everyone," Mr Choi grunted. His back turned to his students, erasing what he has written on the board. 

From her seat, Lisa watched his balding teacher struggle to wipe the writings on the topmost of the board with his huge belly getting in his way. 

She averted her gaze and fixed her eyes on her open notebook. It was clean and empty like the dunes of the Saharan desert and tundra of the Antarctic. Not even a blotch of an ink stained on the cream grainy surface of the leaf.

"Are you coming?" Jennie and Jisoo sat on the table beside Lisa. All students have left except for the three of them.

Lisa would have said no. She doesn't want to. She doesn't feel eating. She prefers to be alone, but instead, Lisa answered, "I'm coming."

~

Lisa spent half an hour eating half of her sandwich. It seemed that the unattractive stack of ham, chicken shreds, tomatoes, lettuce and stale bread was too much for her to take in. Jisoo and Jennie have finished theirs a while ago. Their table was filled with chattering, mostly between the older girls. Lisa, on the other hand, just listened to their stories. Sometimes laughed along when Jisoo said something about her eating newspaper. But most of the time she was just zoning out.

Her mind was far, drifting through the dry Melbourne air. Letting it take her to the secret place where she and Chaeyoung have their clandestine meetings.

Jisoo slammed the table and it snapped Lisa back to reality. The two girls were laughing, a tear was peering out of Jennie's eyes. Their faces were bright red for stifling their giggles and Lisa had no idea what was it about.

The brunette suddenly felt uneasy. Her hands began to shake. It seemed like the cafeteria was shrinking, suctioning the air like a vacuum. She dropped her sandwich on the table but the two girls did not seem to notice. Cold sweat beaded at the back of her neck. She gripped the edge of the table so tight until the bloodflow in her knuckles was cut.

Lisa tried her best to control her shaking hand to unzip the smallest pocket of her bag. She took a tiny bottle out, quickly hiding it under her hoodie while her other hand took her water jug resting on the table.

Lisa shot up straight from her seat, startling Jennie and Jisoo. The older girls looked at her with worried eyes which left Lisa much more anxious and suffocated. Her breathing became more erratic and her lips grew pale.

"Are you alright?" Jennie's face was clouded with concern.

"Yeah. I... I just need to...go to the bathroom," the younger girl murmured, grasping the small bottle tight inside her pocket until her knuckles turned white. She averted the gaze of the older girl and instead counted the micro seams on their stainless steel table.

"Sure. We'll wait for you," Jisoo promised, although a hint of suspicion was in her eyes.

After staying out of everybody's way, Lisa reached the bathroom with her water jug in her hand. She took the farthest cubicle, locked the door and sat on the toilet. With her shuddering hand, she fetched the small bottle out of the pocket of her hoodie. No matter how many times she tried, the bottle still popped when she opened it.

Lisa poured the content into her hand and several white tablets spilled out of the bottle. She put back the excess until only one pill remained in her palm.

Lisa studied the tablet and the tiny numbers engraved on it. The young girl gasped before putting the pill into her mouth. Disgusted with the bitter taste of the drug, she gulped her water jug empty until her belly had too much. She puked a bit of the clear liquid with drools all over her chin. 

Lisa wiped her wet lips with the back of her hand. She doesn't care if she spends the next class going in and out of the toilet, peeing the water she just drank. Might as well never leave this bathroom until all of her classes are dismissed. Who cares? It's spring break. 

The bell rang and the lunch break was over.

-

"I'm full," Lisa burst at the dining table. Aside from the piece of broccoli and a spoonful of mashed she forced herself to swallow, the rest of the food on her plate remained untouched. 

Her mom and dad looked at her. Their eyes, she hates it when people are staring right at her. There is something animalistic that hides behind the human eyes which Lisa loathes the most. Lisa feels naked, scrutinized, vulnerable like a cornered prey under the people's gazes. 

"Lisa- "

"I said I'm full," but this time, Lisa was not the prey. She decided to fight back. Never in her life, she interrupted her mom. She loves and respects her the most, but tonight, Lisa projected her voice with authority and power. She looked at her mother with piercing eyes. She wasn't having it. Her mom's constant blabber about Thailand over their dining table was too much for her to bear.

Lisa picked up her plate and dumped her leftovers into the trash. She washed her hands and went to her bedroom upstairs without leaving a single word.

-

Lisa rode her bike on the deserted street after successfully sneaking out of her house at 12 in the midnight. She was never caught though, but there were times she would stumble upon the empty paint cans in the garage or had the neighbour's dog barking at her when was climbing off the ledge of her window. Luckily, her father's snoring was much louder than the noises she made.

The moon shone bright and the crickets sang in a chorus. The canopy of large trees danced in the majestic parade of the spring breeze.

It is one of the rare moments Lisa felt like she's her old self again. Like she's the Lisa two years ago, young and carefree. 

With no one's watching and the road was hers alone, Lisa let out her bright smile. She retracted her hands from bike's handlebar and lifted her arms above her. She swerved from left to right as she let her bicycle take its own direction. 

She closed her eyes and pedalled faster, the air gushed between her neck and shoulders, deafening her ears. 

All the emotions she shut down two years ago were banging her doors, trying to break free. She thought she already numb herself, but all these mixed emotions are returning in one full blow she felt she was about to combust. It took a lot of effort to stifle herself from screaming until tears cascaded from her eyes. If this is a dream, she wishes not to wake up.

Lisa did not expect to reach her destination this fast. She slowed down and rode as quiet as possible. She wiped her tears and erased her smile. Just like that, she's back at being Lisa.

She hopped off her bike when she reached the back gate of her neighbourhood's graveyard. She hid her bike behind the thick bush and approached one of the windows of a cabin house nearby.

She knocked on the glass three times. A soft light glowed inside and the curtain was lifted. 

"Lisa?" Jisoo rubbed her eyes, obviously awoken, "what are you doing here?"

"Jisoo, I need the key." 

Jisoo's father was the caretaker of the graveyard. After her father caught Lisa trespassing in the cemetery one night, Jisoo decided to steal his father's key to make a duplicate.   
This was to let Lisa enter the graveyard without hoisting herself up over a six feet fence. 

"Please?" Lisa whispered. 

"Are you meeting Chaeyoung again, aren't you?" Jisoo stared at her with a worried look.

"Tonight," Lisa begged, tears threatened to spill from eyes, "tonight will be the last. Just give me this night."

Jisoo sighed, she walked away from the window and opened the drawer of her bedside table. She returned and handed the key to Lisa.

"You're a crazy woman."

Lisa knew Jisoo never meant it that way. She's her best friend and she's the only person alive that understands her the most.

"I've been told," Lisa chuckled.

"Just be gone before dawn, okay? Jennie will kill me if she finds out."

Lisa winked at her then disappeared in the dark.

-

Lisa inserted the key into the heavy padlock. She heard a click and the hook lifted. She removed the lock and untangled the chain looped around the bars of the gate. Lisa put them on the ground and carefully opening the rusting gate as it wailed a high pitched screech.

The absence of light is not a problem, not even the horror stories that used to haunt her as a kid. She has been here countless times that she can navigate this graveyard with eyes closed. 

Most of the cemetery is secluded by the thick canopy of decades-old trees, but some parts are pretty much open. It offers a wide-open window to the night sky where you can see the moon on your zenith and map any constellation you can find.

Lisa remembered how she discovered this place. She and Chaeyoung used to stargaze at the back of the church where the latter girl was a choir member.

It was a peaceful place actually, except for the church's roof cross jutting out, ruining their view. There was this time when the pastor almost caught them making out there. 

Lisa laughed at the memory. Thanks to one of Lisa's 'breaking down' nights, she discovered this area.

The young girl reached their secret location. She sat down beside one of the newest tombstones in the graveyard. Most of the crypts are similar to each other with its old victorian designs and cherub sculptures except for this one, a simple slab of granite stone. Both girls decided it to be their marker.

More than an hour passed but still no Chaeyoung. Lisa laid her back on the damp grass beneath as her eyes met millions of stars above. She closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of withering flowers. 

"Sorry, I'm late. Got lost in the way."

Lisa opened her eyes and saw Chaeyong sitting on the other side of the tombstone. She was looking at the sky and her eyes reflected the stars.

"It's okay. The night's still early anyway." 

She stared at the blonde whose eyes still glued to the sky. Despite the cold, Chaeyoung was wearing her favourite white shirt and jean shorts. 

Her ivory skin complemented the moon and her blonde locks cascaded majestically from her shoulders to her back.

"How was your day?" Chaeyoung finally looked at her and Lisa's breath hitched when their eyes finally met. Her eyes would always leave Lisa breathless.

"It's okay. It's the last day of school. People are excited."   
Chaeyoung let out a toothy grin which made Lisa's heart beat faster. The younger girl pushed her torso up and sat. She laid her back on the tombstone.

"More?" Chaeyoung demanded more stories from her.

Lisa, the less talker, hated it whenever Chaeyoung asks her to elaborate her stories. But she figured out Chaeyoung loves to hear her tales, so Lisa tries to narrate all the things that have happened to her each day as exciting as it seemed with the best of her abilities.

"Jisoo and Jennie were laughing at something during lunch," Lisa began. "I kinda zoned out a bit so I didn't know what they were laughing about. But it seemed very funny because Jennie was tearing up." Lisa made it sound as enthusiastic as it can be by brightening up her voice.

"It must be," Chaeyoung smiled, lazily picking up some blades of bermudagrass. 

"They are taking care of me well, don't worry," Lisa was truly grateful the two girls never left her side during her rough times.

"Have you taken your meds today?"

"I did," Lisa copied Chaeyoung and plucked some grass as well. "At lunch."

"Wow! No skip this week?" Chaeyoung beamed, throwing the blades of grass at Lisa. "Your doctor might give you some lollies this weekend."

Lisa chuckled at the thought. She used to hate going to her weekly therapy, but Dr Jung has been incredibly nice to her. She remembered when the young doctor gave her a cotton candy for completing her therapy sessions for the entire month. Chaeyoung teased her about having a fat crush on the pretty doctor.

"I'll give it to you if she does," the younger girl joked.

"I'm so proud of you, Lali," Lisa froze after hearing the nickname that only Chaeyoung was allowed to use.

"Chaeng."

Chaeyoung let out a hum, telling Lisa she was listening. Both of them were looking down at the grass.

"Chaeng," Lisa began, "we're moving back to Thailand next week." 

Chaeyoung was silent. The wind gushed much harder sending chilling cold to Lisa's bones.

"This... Tonight may be the last night I may be seeing you," the younger girl croaked as she fisted the grass caught in her grip. The more Lisa tried to form her words, the heavier the lump got in her throat. "Mom said it would be best for me to stay away from this place. For my recovery."

"It's goodbye then, I guess," the blonde girl finally spoke up. No sadness nor grudge in Chaeyoung's voice. Chaeyoung was not the type of girl who would hold a grudge anyway.

"Chaeng, I'm scared," she choaked, "I'm afraid that I may forget you," ugly tears finally trickled down from Lisa's eyes as reality hit her hard to the gut.

It's true. Lisa is slowly forgetting. Since Lisa started her therapy and taking her prescribed medicine regularly, she is slowly forgetting Chaeyoung. 

It's impossible not to notice. Chaeyoung's eyes have lost its old sparkle, her blonde hair was less vibrant. On the first month of her therapy, Chaeyoung arrived at there clandestine meetings 15 minutes late. The more Lisa takes her daily meds, the faster Chaeyoung slips away from her.

Today, the blonde was one hour late. And when Lisa looks at her now, the older girl is much more blurry like she was cloaked in a thick haze. Very far from crystal clear Chaeyoung two months ago. So clear, Lisa could map the tiny moles on her gorgeous face.

Lisa is afraid that when she moves to Thailand and continue her medication and recovery, she will completely forget her. What her face looks like, what her smell like, how her voice sounds. Her tiny squeals, the details on her favourite white shirt, her minty breath, the strawberry taste of her lips. How Chaeyoung loves to stick her tongue out or lick her lips when concentrating or belting a Beyoncé out of nowhere. Lisa is terrified that Chaeyoung will just be a distant memory of her youth.

"Don't be afraid. You will not forget me," Chaeyoung looked at Lisa, mustering an assuring smile, "the mind forgets but the heart does not. I have a special place in your heart, right?"  
Lisa nodded. Chaeyoung will always have her heart. It is hers alone.

"Aren't you going to be mad?" 

Lisa felt guilty. It was so unfair that she can continue with her life and Chaeyoung cannot. Lisa blamed herself. If she did not drink at that club the night they fought and then calling Chaeyoung to drive and fetch her at three in the morning, her girlfriend would still be alive today. If she wasn't reckless and stupid, she will not be in this fucking graveyard mourning for a person who died two years ago. 

"Are you mad at me, Chaeng?" Lisa repeated in between her rapid breaths, choking on her own saliva. Her body began to shudder as she struggled to breathe. 

She wished Chaeyoung could embrace her tight like she always did to comfort her, but she can't. The Chaeyoung in front of her is just a product of her imagination, the animation of her brain. A coping mechanism to affirm herself that her death wasn't her fault.

"I'm not mad. If I could turn back time, I will still do it, Lali. I will still come to you."

Humans are pathetic, Lisa thought bitterly. Slaves of their hearts. If given a chance to redo things, humans still choose the same decision no matter how fucked up the consequences may be. That's what love is, they said. Pathetic.

"Chaeng, I'm sorry," Lisa cried out, "it's my fault." Her last words were whispers. 

"It wasn't your fault," Chaeyoung cooed.  
Lisa lifted her head and saw Chaeyoung's face looking at her.

"I forgive you, Lisa. It's time to forgive yourself."

Lisa wailed uncontrollably after hearing her words, draining her eyes until it dried up. She pulled up the grass she fisted hard, digging up some earth. Lisa kneeled, almost kissing the scattered soil. She brought her fist into her mouth to muffle her grievous howls and Chaeyoung was just staring at her the entire time. 

Her breakdown lasted an hour until her hot tears finally stopped pouring out, her body began to calm down and her breathing became much more steady. 

Lisa rubbed her swollen eyes to see Chaeyoung's face much clearly under the moonlight. 

Finally, it was crystal clear as if she's very much alive. 

"Promise me, Lisa, you'll continue to find your true happiness even without me. Promise me."

Lisa thought for a moment. A part of her doesn't want to. Chaeyoung was her temporary happiness and finding her true happiness means she has to let Chaeyoung go. But deep inside, Lisa knows Jennie was right when she told her loving Chaeyoung even to her grave doesn't make Lisa feel less guilty. It is the lie Lisa is believing in and it tortures her a lot. A part of her tells her she has to move on.

With a heavy heart and rueful soul, Lisa has finally decided.

"I promise," Lisa felt her heart clenched when she said those words, but it lifted so much weight from her chest. A weight she didn't even know was there.

Chaeyoung beamed at her words. It was the same smile Chaeyoung used to wear whenever they finally see each other after a long day at school or whenever she was amazed by the stingrays when they went to aquarium dates. It's the same smile Chaeyoung used to wear after they break up from their intimate kiss or when Lisa whispers 'i love yous' to her ears. There was the same tenderness in her smile and Lisa felt light and high just by seeing it. It will forever be ingrained in her memory.

"I will always love you, Lali."

Lisa passed out.

-

Bird chirps woke Lisa up. She slowly opened her swollen eyes. It was already past sunrise and the sunlight hit her cheeks bringing its comfortable warmth. 

Lisa sat up, she saw Jisoo's father sweeping scattered leaves from afar. Of course, he knew she was there. Lisa left the gates open last night, but for some reason, the old man decided to leave Lisa undisturbed.

Lisa smiled at the sweet gesture of the man. After all, where would Jisoo get her thoughtfulness but from him?  
She looked at the tombstone beside her where Chaeyoung's name was engraved. 

Lisa smiled wistfully, murmuring her final goodbye, 

"I will always love you, Chaeyoung."

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in the drafts for a while I almost forgot about it. Should have stayed there tho. Also, ALL MY LOVE IS GONE KDDJSKSJNDJDKSSKSNJSSK AAARRRRGGGHHHHHH FINALLY!!!


End file.
